Unhiding and Digging In

I have a habit of keeping to the background in life. I like to be behind the scenes. I’m also good at being non-committal. When I have a job, I do good work, but I never let myself commit to the place or the people. I keep my interest surface-level because I know well how an employer can (and will) let me go when it no longer suits their budget to keep me on.

However, I have also been taking this nonchalant approach to my business, which, by the way, I keep referring to as “personal projects” to avoid committing to becoming a small business owner. I have not put on the hat of “authorpreneur” as of yet. Honestly, I feel a lot of apprehension regarding business ownership. There’s so much to do and learn and so much trial and error… but even as I say that, I am reminded that that’s life. So, I’m just around here afraid to live.

I was telling someone over the weekend that I used to not be afraid to take risks or pivot. I dropped out of my first semester of university (after two years of community college) because I was on a teaching track and absolutely did not want to be a teacher. When I worked at the school, I was let go and rehired on and off for five years based on the decisions of the board and their budget/priorities and didn’t have a concern in the world. I bought a ticket to New York the same day my friend told me she and her sister were going to a wedding because she said I should come. It wasn’t until I finished grad school and spent years trying to get a library job (unsuccessfully, might I add) that I stopped trusting myself to make the right decisions.

I’ve been working through the issue of not trusting myself in therapy for a while, and I realize that I have not been digging in to my relationships, jobs, or business and I need to start doing so. The first step was to stop running from the man I wanted to be in a relationship with just because I was scared. I’ve also decided recently to commit to the job I have as a designer with Mussio Designs. Making it an important part of my life and putting effort into bringing in more clients will positively impact my current and future goals. I had no idea that website design would be something I enjoy, but lo and behold I’m loving it, and I realize the better the company does, the better I will do (and be).

Most importantly, though, I have to stop hiding and start digging in to small business ownership. I have to. NINE & TWO has to be more than it is or I am not honoring the gifts and vision God has loaned me. Sometimes I cringe at that level of responsibility because something has me convinced that it’s going to be too difficult for me, and I’ve been believing that something for a very long time. I’ve got really good people in my corner right now. People I didn’t have before but with whom I have so easily connected and placed trust in to share my dreams. These people will push me in uncomfortable ways and I will push back because I’m scared. Ultimately, though, the push truly is something I need.

So, I’m figuring out ways to make NINE & TWO more than just the place I rant about books and writing woes. NINE & TWO Press will continue to publish my books and we’ll add merch as soon as I figure out where to get exactly what I want at a price that makes sense for me. Because, let’s be honest, I would never sell something I wouldn’t buy or at a price I wouldn’t spend. So, it has to be right. You mean way more to me than a quick buck. Especially those of you who have been here a while and continue to indulge me. Truly, I appreciate you.

So, that’s it. I’m going to stop hiding and figure out how to be more present for myself and for the brand, put myself out there, and build something. The vision is big-big, yall. I have no clue what the road looks like, but I’m going to stop trying to see every twist and turn ahead and just take a step at a time.

Thanks for being here, and thanks for nurturing this space with your presence.