I don’t know if I’ve told you this before, but I feel like I’ve lost myself. I’ve been in survival mode for several months, and I feel like I have lost the best parts of who I am. I’ve lost the parts that love reading, writing, and learning. I’ve forced myself through workdays when all I wanted to do was lay in bed; I’ve watched endless hours of TV because it requires nothing of me. I’ve struggled to make it here every week.
Last week I decided to sign up for MasterClass. I haven’t done it yet, but I will. This week, I’m considering signing up for Skillshare as well. I’m trying to get back to the place where I spend more time learning things than watching things. But, I’ve also come to understand that the reason I enjoy watching TV so much is because I love stories. I love telling stories and I love watching stories being told. I watch 15 different medical dramas because, even though the general storylines are very similar, the characters are different and have specific stories of their own.
This post isn’t about how much TV I watch. It’s about making space for myself. I’m actively taking steps to clear my headspace so that I can find my way back to the things I love most. It’s difficult when you spend all day at a job that takes a lot out of you mentally, but I’m working on it. I’m ending relationships that take away from me mentally and emotionally, I’m intentionally letting go of my work day when I clock out, and I’m looking for ways to spark the parts of me that have gone dark over the past year.
The book is still coming. Slowly. It’s more of a financial hold than anything else. All the things I want to newly incorporate into my life are stretching my finances, but I do feel they are necessary. I’m trying to love myself more by giving myself more. Giving gifts is my strongest love language when it comes to how I show love to others, and I’m finally learning to direct that love to myself. I upgraded my laptop a couple of weeks ago. Something I should’ve done over a year ago.
Replacing things that aren’t broken, even when they don’t work well, is difficult for me. And that goes for relationships as well as things. I’m making space for myself by ending relationships that I’ve held onto for too long, replacing a laptop that I’ve held onto for too long, and introducing new things that I’ve neglected for too long.
Thank you for journeying with me. I have so much vision for what NINE & TWO can be… will be… but I’ve got to make more space so I have room to grow this thing and grow myself along with it.
I’m reading again… but I’m also really into this show on Netflix, so it’s a daily struggle between reading a few more pages and watching a few more episodes. Episodes usually win, but I’m working on that.
Until next time…