Writing my book is forcing me to be open about things I’ve mostly kept to myself over the years. The book is full of true stories as well as made up ones. I’ve always been hesitant to speak up, and I have not been my best advocate in many circumstances, but this book is calling me out into the world.
Can I be honest with you? I’m so afraid to launch this book.
I have a bad habit of imagining all the worst possible outcomes for any situation I am in, instead of imagining the best scenarios. It’s a form of protection, but it also closes the door to what could be amazing outcomes if it weren’t for the doubt. I’m excited about writing this book, I’m excited about completing this book, but releasing it… that’s something different.
It would be easy for me to not have expectations for myself or for the book. If I don’t have any expectations, I cannot be disappointed. However, if I don’t have expectations, how can I surpass them?
I’ve been creating this book for years, and it has seen many changes. More importantly, it is helping me expand. The book is about speaking out loud, finding my voice, and telling my stories, and whether it sells five copies or five million, I am grateful for the movement it has caused in my life. It is pushing me mentally, spiritually, and financially. It is forcing me to reach out to people and allow them in. It is forcing me to not do everything on my own the way I am inclined to do.
Still, I’m bracing myself for judgement and lack of support. I’m bracing myself for this book being something I did rather than something I accomplished. I’m bracing myself for a book launch with zero virtual viewers and only my parents in attendance. I’m bracing myself for a failed book launch.
I’ve become accustomed to being the only person excited about something I’ve created. I’m good at celebrating myself. And, quite honestly, I’m okay with investing the money I’ve spent to create something I’m proud of, even if it doesn’t sell. Of course, I still hope and pray it’s a hit. Even if not immediately, I hope someone finds it and loves it and shares it and other people find it and love it and share it. But even if that doesn’t happen, I love it.
I love my book now as it is (unfinished), and I’ll love it more once it has a beautiful cover design, and I’ll love it even more once it’s printed and in my hands. And, yes, I pray other people love it too, but if they don’t, I’m fine with that. Honestly. It’s how I’ve come to live, and how I’ve come to view myself as well.
I am not the “right” kind of something for many people I encounter. I’m not the right kind of woman, the right kind of Black, the right kind of writer, the right kind of a hundred other things, but in finding myself and finding my voice, I have come to appreciate being an acquired taste.
I know I’m rambling about a lot of things right now. My point is, I hope you decide to attend my virtual book launch, and I hope you buy my book, and I hope you love it. But even if you don’t, that’s okay with me.