I’ve mentioned several times that I always hesitate to put my writing in the hands of others because I’m afraid that what I’m trying to say won’t be understood. What I think it really comes down to is not trusting my voice.

It was revealed to me in a recent therapy session (because we do that now) that part of the reason I can’t seem to move forward is because I don’t trust myself. I made a big decision (going to grad school) that didn’t work out the way I wanted and now I’m afraid to make any decision for fear of the same result—it not working out and leaving me stuck in a place. Boy did that hit me hard!

I didn’t know that it was myself I wasn’t trusting, and now I see how that relates to being concerned about sharing my writing. Do I trust my voice? Do I trust that what I need to say will be heard by the reader? Do I trust that my voice is strong enough for people to hear it and want to share it?

Not yet.

But I’m getting there…slowly. As I write here and put my work in the hands of more people (the book is with an editor now) I gain a little more confidence with each response confirming that they do hear me and they understand exactly what I’m trying to say.

This year has been so many things. There has been so much fear and anxiety, and still there’s so much that is moving forward and changing for the better.

I want to create something for you.

I don’t know how to do it well yet, but it is in my mind. And I know there aren’t a whole lot of you who read this blog regularly, but I appreciate those of you who do (even though I don’t know who you are yet) and I want to have more to offer you.

I’m learning that in order to be filled, we have to pour out. And I’m learning that what I want to give, somebody wants to receive. It’s going to take some time before it’s ready because, honestly, I’m just now feeling the confidence to make it happen. I haven’t fully gained back my trust in myself, and this thing requires me to trust me and trust you. So bear with me.

The next couple of weeks are going to be difficult for some. I try to leave politics out of this space, but we’re all feeling the tension.

Pick up a book. Journal. Escape through reading or purge your thoughts on paper (I was going to write “escape or purge” but I felt that would be misconstrued lol). Whatever you do, don’t take it out on the people next to you.

And when this thing that’s in my head is no longer in my head and I can offer it to you, I will. Thank you for riding with me and reading with me.

-Christine